Have you seen this ad? It begins as an ad for a restaurant called “P.J. Bland’s,” mockingly trumpeting the eatery’s dull-but-filling food. “My food is bland,” says a patron, “but there’s a lot of it.” It’s all made of cardboard. Oh, the hilarity. Why would anyone eat at such a place? Surely there must be a better restaurant out there, somewhere that you can get food that is not only filling, but delicious as well! Why, if only the makers of this ad would tell us where we could get repast that isn’t made of cardboard, that is truly and indisputably delicious, inventive and creative, worth my hard-won dining-out dollar. What could that restaurant be?
Why, it’s…um…it’s Chili’s? Really? The maker of this ad parodying the dull-as-dirt standard issue chain restaurant concept is…Chili’s? The king of assembly-line chain family restaurants? The one place that’s guaranteed to be in every town of more than 50,000 souls from coast-to-coast? The one where you’re guaranteed the same Awesome Blossom™ and Old Timer™ burger and blast-fried Chicken Crispers™ from Miami to Seattle, and the same Signature Fajitas and Molten Chocolate Cake from Portland, Maine to San Diego? The restaurant that essentially invented the “family restaurant with a buncha crazy crap on the walls” concept? The very same Chili’s that permanently lodged the “I want my baby-back, baby-back, baby-back ribs” song in the brains of the entire nation from 1991 to 1997? That’s the restaurant that’s going with the “Boy, chain restaurant food is bland!” concept for their marketing?
Look, there’s nothing particularly wrong with Chili’s. The food is okay. I’d perhaps go so far as to say that they’re the best out of the standard-issue strip-mall restaurants. If faced with Chili’s, Applebee’s, and Ruby Tuesday’s, I’ll probably pick Chili’s. There’s a certain comfort level in knowing that you can be just about anywhere in the country and you’ll get exactly what you expect every time, plus a clean restroom. But that doesn’t exactly mean they’ve got anything more or better than any of the other 3-ring-binder restaurants.
This ad campaign is just absurd. “Chain restaurants are bland and boring!” says Chili’s. Next, we’ll see a Gap ad telling us all about how American Eagle and Abercrombie & Fitch just want to sell you the same boring old polo shirts and chinos all the time, but the Gap is full of exciting and different clothing! Or maybe Barnes & Noble telling us about how Borders stocks too many copies of the latest bestsellers, but B&N is full of exciting and unheralded new authors!
The best part of this is that they’ve gone so far as to set up a P.J. Bland’s website, with snarky faux Employee of the Month profiles, full of lines like “she never forgets to upsell customers on our Bland Finale Decadent Dessert,” and “Always ready with a smile, never late for a shift, Beth has her eye on the prestigious Assistant Manager title – look out, Mike!”, weighted with the oh-so-subtle implication that Chili’s employees are obviously not exhorted by management to upsell at every opportunity and are never, ever faking their enthusiasm on the job. No, sir, the Chili’s staff certainly isn’t coming to work stoned, complaining about every customer they serve the moment they’re out of earshot, cutting corners at every opportunity and drinking heavily every night to forget how miserable their jobs are! The Chili’s FOH staff are all, every last one, dedicated pros who genuinely enjoy meeting and serving the public and making your night out at Chili’s fun and memorable! And they certainly won’t mind a bit if you don’t tip them! It’s all part of the job! The website also features the by-now-cliche drag-and-drop Flash-based “restaurant kitchen” game (kind of like this one, which uses the usual sushi bar theme I imagine most of us have seen and been amused by for twenty minutes or so), where you have to stamp out the right cardboard entrees and load the plates with the correct cardboard sides in a timely manner – this, of course, loaded with the implication that a Chili’s restaurant kitchen is nothing like an assembly line, with entrees stamped out if not quite by machine, then close. No, of course not. A Chili’s kitchen is nothing like that – it’s full of artists! It’s practically the goddamn French Laundry!
And if you’re buying any of that…I’ve got some beachfront property in Nevada to sell you, too.
Filed under: Uncategorized
Agreed in principle, but don’t you think it would have been a fun project to create all of that faux food in cardboard?
Yes – aesthetically, it’s very cool. I’d kind of like a closer look at it to see how it’s all constructed.
I think Cheescake Factory is the best assembly line restaurant out there but Chilis does lead in terms of the Chilis/Ruby Tuesday/TGIF/Applebees variety of restaurants.
Other than fast food, the best national chain I’ve ever been to is Famous Dave’s BBQ.