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Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian Brand Apple Pie! Buy some today!

Hey, everyone, you know what I like? Pie.

Pie is one of the best things ever invented by humans. The delicious, flaky, crust, the endless variety of fillings…what’s not to love? Sometimes, someone will ask me

This post brought to you by NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM: BATTLE OF THE SMITHSONIAN, now playing at a theater near you! Ben Stiller! Amy Adams! Owen Wilson! NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM: BATTLE OF THE SMITHSONIAN! See it today! Twice!

what my favorite kind of pie is, and boy is that ever a hard question. To me, pie is kind of a seasonal thing. In the springtime, I think maybe strawberry-rhubarb is the best. Summer is all about peach pie. In the autumn

Once again, this post is brought to you by NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM: BATTLE OF THE SMITHSONIAN, now playing at a theater near you! Hey, look, it’s the Thinker: “Boom! Boom! Fire power! Look at the gun show!” Ha! The whole movie is filled with hilarity like this! Ben Stiller! Robin Williams! Hank Azaria! NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM: BATTLE OF THE SMITHSONIAN! Have you seen it yet?

I like apple best, and then in the winter, pumpkin pie is my favorite. Sometimes I like

Just a reminder, this post is brought to you by NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM: BATTLE OF THE SMITHSONIAN, now playing at a theater near you! Hey, did we mention that Ben Stiller’s in it? You love Ben Stiller! “Boom! Boom! Fire power!” “Sacajamamaraa…Sacapotatoes…Sackindabox! Mission accomplished!” Ben Stiller! Ricky Gervais! NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM: BATTLE OF THE SMITHSONIAN! Everyone else on Earth has already seen it…why haven’t you, loser?

to put whipped cream on top, or sometimes ice cream, but som

Hey! You! Sitting at home! This post is brought to you by NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM: BATTLE OF THE SMITHSONIAN, now playing at a theater near you! Hey, Darth Vader’s in it! Yeah, that’s right, Darth Vader! Darth Vader is totally awesome…or at least, he was, right up until you learned what a whiny bitch he was as a kid, but that’s neither here nor there. Anyway, DARTH VADER! That’s totally sweet! Darth Vader, now appearing alongside Ben Stiller and Robin Williams in NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM: BATTLE OF THE SMITHSONIAN! Why are you still here? Go see it now!

etimes I just like a plain, unadorned slice of

You’re still here? Why aren’t you out right now, seeing NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM: BATTLE OF THE SMITHSONIAN, now playing at a theater near you! Hey, not only is Darth Vader in it, but Hank Azaria makes fun of him! In a voice borrowed from Stewie from “Family Guy.” Yeah, that’s right: our villain makes fun of Darth Vader! “You’re evil, you’re athsmatic, and what’s with the cape?” “Boom! Boom! Fire power!” “Sacindabox! Mission accomplished!” Ben Stiller! Owen Wilson! Darth Vader! Stewie! NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM: BATTLE OF THE SMITHSONIAN! You know, some people have seen it twice by now.

pie. The other real que

Hey, just one more reminder, this post is brought to you by NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM: BATTLE OF THE SMITHSONIAN, now playing at a theater near you! It’s going to have all those hilarious lines that you’ve loved from all our ads: “Boom! Boom! Fire power!” “Sacindabox! Mission accomplished!” “What’s with the cape? Are we going to the opera? I don’t think so…” Oh, and there’s monkeys! Everyone loves monkeys! And talking Einstein bobbleheads! Everyone loves Einstein! And everyone loves bobbleheads! That’s two great tastes that taste great together! All that, plus Ben Stiller, Amy Adams, Robin Williams and Owen Wilson! You’re going to love it! Just in case you didn’t catch the title, that’s NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM: BATTLE OF THE SMITHSONIAN! Take the whole family today!

stion for pie-lovers is whether you want to serve it warm or cold. And what about

Goddamnit, people, we’ve spent big bucks advertising on this very popular and influential blog, and you STILL haven’t seen NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM: BATTLE OF THE SMITHSONIAN, now playing at a theater near you! Let us lay this out as clearly as possible for you: It’s got Ben Fucking Stiller, and you love him. It’s got Amy Adams, and she’s America’s Fucking Sweetheart, okay? It’s got Owen Wilson and Robin Williams, and you like them, too! It’s got the Thinker, only he’s dumb, and he goes, “Boom! Boom! Fire power!” and it’s got General Custer, only he’s kind of dumb, and he can’t get Sacajawea’s name right, so he totally goes, “Sacindabox! Mission accomplished!” and it’s got Hank Azaria doing Stewie’s voice, even though he’s not actually Stewie, and he totally makes fun of Darth Vader, people! Darth Vader! It’s fun for the whole fucking family, people! Go see NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM: BATTLE OF THE SMITHSONIAN, or we, the marketing department of 20th Century Fox will find you, and we will kidneypunch you! We totally will!

pie for breakfast? A slice of apple pie with cheddar cheese melted on top? Good

Please. We’re begging you. The Fox execs have kidnapped our pets. If we don’t break all the Memorial Day weekend box office records, they’re going to feed my puppy to rabid weasels. If NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM: BATTLE OF THE SMITHSONIAN doesn’t break $400 million total at the box office, they’ve made some unsettling threats about our children. So…please. I know you already feel like you’ve seen the entire movie in the non-stop ads. I know it doesn’t even really look all that good to begin with. But everyone’s going to see it anyway. And you want to be part of everyone, don’t you? I know you do. Please. It’s just ten bucks and two hours out of your life. It’s not too much to ask, is it? The life of a sweet little pug hangs in the balance. If you have any human decency at all, you’ll go see NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM: BATTLE OF THE SMITHSONIAN this weekend at a theater near you.

stuff, I tell you what! So, anyway

Okay, okay, I made up all that stuff about the puppy. But, seriously, folks, my job really does hang in the balance, and I need this thing to do at least $125 mil over the holiday weekend, and I’m desperate enough to be buying ad space in blogs. That’s NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM: BATTLE OF THE SMITHSONIAN, now playing at a theater near you. My job depends on it, and in this economy, who knows when I’ll work again? Go see it this weekend. Please.

I like pie, and I hope you do, too.

Me again. Will it help if I say I didn’t make up the stuff about the puppy?

NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM: BATTLE OF THE SMITHSONIAN, now playing at a theater near you.